Seattle Dreaming
by fandragon
Summary: Set four years after the current episode, Meredith and Derek have moved on with their lives at least that's what they will tell you...
1. Chapter 1

**Before you get started, I'll just remind everyone that I don't own Grey's Anatomy (unfortunately) and am in no way connected with it. This is set four years after the current serries and in an AU (Meredith has moved to New York). Oh, and please review, because this is my first Grey's Anatomy fic, but I'd love some comments...**

Look Through My Window

_And the rain beats on my roof_

_And it does not ask for proof_

_It's not that lovers are unkind_

_She always said there'd come a time_

_When one would leave and one stay behind_

**DEREK**

Derek Shepherd brushed the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand. He hated nights like this: a never ending shift filled with carnage he couldn't even comprehend. all around him, people seemed to be bleeding, limbs missing, tears and terror filled the air like some suffocating stench.

Izzy Steavens stood in the middle of it all patiently helping a hysterical woman onto a gurney. Even from this distance, it didn't look good. The woman was clearly in the mid to late term of a pregnancy, and if the blood caked to the side of her head was anything to go by, she'd been in for a rough ride.

Tonight it was a train crash. It could just have easily have been a pile up on the freeway or a plane crash at Seattle Airport, but tonight it was a train crash, and as Derek stood there, he couldn't help but remember that night, so many years ago, on a similar night, when he had told the woman he loved he had to leave her.

Meredith. Why did it always come back to her? No matter where he went, or what happened to him, it was almost as though his life had ended that night with those track victims.

Sometimes he wondered if a person could die and not notice. It had taken him months to understand what had happened. After that, when he had gone back to Addison, it wasn't that he hated her, he didn't even resent her, he just didn't care at all. He didn't blame her for getting fed up with him, he would have hated himself too, if he'd still been able to hate.

Perhaps, if he'd gone back to Meredith then, while the pain of separation was still sharp, he would have a chance, but she'd already moved to New York and now he lived each day like a zombie and the pain was nothing but a constant and incurable numbness.

_We both knew people sometimes change_

_And lovers sometimes rearrange_

_And nothing's quite as sure as change_

_And the rain beats on my roof_

**MEREDITH**

Meredith Grey straightened the table cloth for the twelfth time that afternoon. It was an important night, and she was nervous. She had carefully lain out the best cutlery and placed two thin stemmed cream candles in the centre of the table – romantic.

Meredith hadn't actually risked cooking herself, but she had an arrangement with John, the chief at a classy Italian restaurant down the street. All she needed now was for Carlos to come home.

Sitting down to wait on the couch, she let her eyes wander over all they had together. The apartment was filled with life, graduation certificates, pieces of art Carlos had collected over the years, and photographs of the three of them at the beach, in the park, moving into the new apartment: Her, Carlos and Ella.

They had so much.

It just made tonight even more important, there was no way she would let their life here fall apart. Things had become difficult, especially since her promotion. She had had less time to spend with her family, and most awkwardly of all, she was her own husband's boss.

For most people this wouldn't have been an issue. When she had first taken the position, the two of them had even joked about it. She could hear him now,

"Hope you won't forget to give me preferential treatment!" But as the weeks had turned to months, it became awkward and difficult. At every decision, there seemed to be some danger lurking until she couldn't tell if she was treating Carlos better or worse than everyone else, slowly losing all confidence in her judgement.

Tonight would be when they put everything back together. Tonight was their anniversary, the anniversary of the day when Meredith, one month pregnant and newly arrived from Seattle started her new life.

They just had so much.

_Look through my window to the street below_

_See the people hurryin' by_

_With someone to meet, some place to go_

_And I know I should let go_

**DEREK**

Derek saw his hand holding the scalpel as it sliced through the thin skin on the top of Matt Henderson's newly shaved head. Safely clothed in white gloves his fingers moved dexterously inside the incision.

Matt Henderson had suffered massive trauma on impact and they needed to work quickly to stem the internal bleeding within the brain, decreasing the pressure on the already fractured skull.

Derek felt that old rush of adrenalin as the blood pumped over his fingers, the tension of holding another person's life in your hands, and in the case of brain surgery, their sanity. It was only afterwards, when he sat by himself in the hall, he returned to the shell that had become his life.

He barely noticed when Izzy sat down next to him. She had grown, if possible, more confident over the past four years. As a resident, she was capable and efficient, but she had also become a friend. Perhaps, once again, it was because of Meredith. He and Izzy had been the most affected when she moved away, and somehow, it had drawn them together.

"I miss her Izzy," He didn't need to say her name. He rarely mentioned it these days, but she knew who he was talking about. "Even now, after all this time, I find myself here, missing her."

"I haven't heard from her since the letter she sent when she first arrived," Izzy chose her words carefully, it was true she hadn't heard from Meredith in three four years, but she couldn't bring herself to tell Derek about Carlos and the life her friend had described.

"I was thinking," Derek leant his head forward into his hands, "maybe it's time I transferred." He grinned at her stunned expression, "I was thinking New York".

_She always said "I'm not like you"_

_"When love is dead for me it's through"_

_"And I will find and love someone new"_

**MEREDITH**

Meredith stated out of her reverie when the apartment door swung open. She swung towards it just in time to see Carlos' double take at her preparations.

"Happy anniversary honey," She smiled, trying to sound reassuring, and not show the terror she felt inside.

"Merry," His smile grew and soon he was laughing with a joy they hadn't shared in so long. He dropped his bag and drew her into his arms. "Merry," he repeated her pet name, "you didn't have to go to all this trouble. How did you ever get the time to prepare all this," And there it was again. Neither of them had meant it, but every little conversation seemed to come down to work.

Meredith stood there biting her lip, she couldn't very well tell him, that she had been able to shift around the surgeries, to redistribute tasks. Instead, she shrugged, drawing him to the table in a hollow attempt at distraction.

"I missed our dinners together. Ever since Ella was born, we never seem to quite manage it anymore, and now she's old enough to stay the night at Mrs. McKenzy's…" She trailed off as she caught him staring at her. Another bumpy issue – Ella's birth. It wasn't that Carlos didn't love the little girl, she meant the world to him, but there was always something, perhaps something crushing to his pride, about raising another man's child. "We never have quite enough time to ourselves," Meredith tried again, the conversation rapidly slipping out of her control.

Carlos' humour from moments before seemed to have evaporated with Meredith's smile and suddenly the apartment felt very big and cold.

"Not that Ella isn't very lucky to have a Daddy like you," This was obviously not the right thing to say. Even as she heard the words leaving her lips she tried to stifle them, covering her mouth with her hands, but she was too late.

Carlos quietly put down the glass he'd been about to drink from. They faced each other over the table, candle light playing like a comedy of errors across their faces. If he hadn't been so tanned, Meredith fancied the colour would have drained from him then and the wavering flame seemed to darken the ridges along his borough and between his eyes.

"You're lucky I took you in Meredith. You might think you're better than me now, but not too many men would take in a pregnant woman and raise someone else's brat," He seemed to cough up the last word, like even he didn't really mean it, but he had hit a nerve and there was no going back.

"Carlos, I never said I was better than you. I stayed with you because I loved you, and I thought you loved me too. Anyway," she added, the pain of his words hitting her with full force, "Ella's dad would have looked after her, any decent man would!"

Afterwards, she would never remember how it happened, but she felt the cool metal of the candle holder slam into her cheek and the side of her head. She bit her lip and the salty taste of blood filled her mouth.

They had so much, but there was no way she could save it now.

For days after, Meredith had tried to convince herself that the night of the anniversary had been a one off. It wasn't real until it happened again.

A couple of weeks later, she had come in late from work. Ella was in bed and Carlos was drinking on the couch, his eyes glazed in the direction of the television. That time, it had been a surgery. She had taken over control on the operating table, in front of all the nurses and an intern. Didn't she know how that made him feel, what people said about him?

That night, as she cradled her bruises, she didn't remember the fists as they hammered the body they had once caressed, but her mind filled with his eyes, those big beautiful brown eyes, so full of confusion and hurt, she could almost believe he was the one cowering there before her.

_Look through my window, yeah, to the street below_

_See the people hurryin' by_

_With someone to meet, some place to go_

_And I know I should let go_

_I must admit she knew her mind_

_And it will not take her long to find_

_Another place where the sun will shine_


	2. Chapter 2

**Well, first I just have to thank you all for your great comments - I'm really not sure I would have bothered writing this chapter if it hadn't been for all your great encouragement. I know this isn't probably exactly what you are all waiting for, but I thought I'd string it out a little longer (dramatic tension and all that)! So enjoy...**

* * *

Within nad Without You

_We were talking-about the space between us all  
And the people-who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion  
Never glimpse the truth-then it's far too late-when they pass away._

DEREK

There weren't many people to see him go – just Burk and Izzy. Derek shouldered his backpack and strode down the short transitory tunnel, which would take him onto the aeroplane. He didn't look back; this was the start of his new life. It was definitely time he moved on, but somehow, the thought of New York gave him the uncanny sensation of turning back.

Derek took his seat in the undersized domestic aircraft. A tall man he was more than a little crammed, and this flight was packed with no in-flight entertainment he was in for a long wait, and although he tried to avoid it, even now his thoughts strayed to Meredith.

"I wonder if she's still living in Manhattan?" He had told himself, and everyone else, that his move had nothing to do with the past. He was heading to New York because he liked the city. This was so blatantly not the case that he suspected his friends had merely been humouring him when they politely agreed. Still, Meredith had probably moved by now, she probably wasn't even in the state.

"I wonder if she'd want me to drop in on her?" The thought was so sly that it seemed to creep into his mind without his even having thought it, but once it was there, it only seemed polite. They were old friends; he should go and see her.

_We were talking-about the love we all could share-when we find it  
To try our best to hold it there-with our love  
With our love-we could save the world-if they only knew._

MEREDITH

Meredith woke that morning, curled in Ella's bed, the little girl peacefully asleep by her side. With her return to consciousness came her return to pain and she looked cautiously down to examine the damage. Aside from the bruises, her wrist was swollen to twice its normal size. Like some giant secret trying to burst free from the skin and proclaim itself to the world.

She lay still a moment thinking of plausible excuses to the inevitable questions. Thankfully, working in a hospital made people less inclined to discuss maladies when they didn't have to, but it also made them weary. There was no way she'd convince anyone she had just fallen down the stairs.

Then there was the other problem – how to treat it. It was a little difficult to fix her own wrist, and not wanting to ask for Carlos' help, she decided to quietly go visit the casualty department of another hospital where she would not be so well-known.

_We were talking-about the love we all could share-when we find it  
To try our best to hold it there-with our love  
With our love-we could save the world-if they only knew._

DEREK

"Where to?" The cab driver didn't even register Derek's face as he slid into the dark leather interior of the taxi.

"New York Presbyterian," With no family and no friends, Derek thought he may as well take a look at what would become his new home. He had left his belongings at the hotel and, feeling trapped amongst the sterile décor of hospitality, headed for the streets.

As they drove along the regular rectangular blocks, and the building's towered over them, Derek could almost see what Addi had liked about this place.

There was a certain pride that stemmed from the grandeur of human achievement. Then, across the road, by the park, he caught site of an old man pushing what were quite probably all he had in an old trolley. In fact the trolley was so old it had a broken wheel and the man was struggling to drive it straight. New York may be the epitome of human achievement, but really, it was as sordid as the rest of humanity.

The taxi pulled up at the intersection of two bustling streets. Derek strode purposefully into the reception.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Derek Shepherd, the neurology expert."

_Try to realise it's all within yourself  
No-one else can make you change  
And to see you're really only very small,  
And life flows on within you and without you.  
_

MEREDITH

Meredith tugged down on her left sleeve. She knew she was being paranoid, but the secret knowledge of were her injury came from made her feel guilty. She sighed. It was no use stressing, she was headed for the opposite end of town. Surely this city was big enough to hide one woman whose life was falling apart.

As she turned into 168th, her destination came into view and, clenching her good hand into a fist, she walked into the casualty department.

She needn't have worried. The room was filled with people determinedly avoiding all eye contact. No one here would ask questions. Thankfully, Meredith slipped into a chair to wait her turn.

Half an hour later, a young man, obviously an intern approached her. He had mousy hair, and a hesitant manner that reminded her of George, all those years ago when they had started out together.

"Excuse me, I'm Dr. Simons, would you like to tell me what the trouble is?"

"I took my little girl roller blading for her birthday," Meredith smiled, as though sharing a maternal confidence, "And it turns out she's much better than me. I've fallen on my wrist and," She paused, on the verge of self diagnosis, "it's swollen".

Gently Dr. Simons took Meredith's wrist in his hands and had a brief look.

"Well, I suppose we'd better get an X-ray," He smiled at her encouragingly at her.

"Yes, he's definitely like George," Meredith thought as she followed him down the corridor. For a moment, she felt a pang of regret for those years she had spent in Seattle.

"So," Dr. Simons continued, "You had better tell me exactly how you fell," and Meredith launched into a detailed account of the imaginary birthday party.

_We were talking-about the love that's gone so cold and the people,  
Who gain the world and lose their soul-  
They don't know-they can't see-are you one of them?_

DEREK

"Dr. Shepherd," A middle aged man with a jovial grin bellowed across the reception to where Derek stood at the counter. "I've heard so much about your fine work in the West, and now I get to see the man myself. It's great to meet you."

As it turned out, this man was Dr. James Rafton, chief surgeon at NYP. He was delighted Derek had turned up. They hadn't really been expecting him until tomorrow, but it was good luck he was early. As it happened, the enthusiastic Rafton explained, the woman Shepherd was replacing had a batch of interns under her care.

"I know it's a little irregular to carry interns this far up the surgical ladder," He grinned apologetically at Derek, "but we've got so many and you'll only have the three: Blake, Simons and Patterson. All great kids, I'm sure you'll get on just fine."

Grabbing a passing nurse, the chief inquired where these three particular interns might be. The young woman shrugged non-committally and said she thought Dr. Simons had gone to the X-ray rooms with a patient.

"This way," Rafton called, leading Derek through the ever increasing maze of new corridors, "You'll know your way in a week," He called over his shoulder, reading the new attending's dazed countenance.

_  
When you've seen beyond yourself-then you may find, peace of mind,  
Is waiting there-  
And the time will come when you see  
we're all one, and life flows on within you and without you._


	3. Chapter 3

**Once again, thankyou for the really nice reviews. I have to say, you are the most complimentary group of critics I have ever come across. Well, a lot of you have been asking me to update, so here it is, whether it's what you are expecting or not is another matter.. :-) I hope you enjoy it anyway - and that there are a few things you didn't guess in advance. I do have some idea of where this is going... despite what some of you may be thinking.**

* * *

Miss You

_I've been holding out so long  
I've been sleeping all alone  
Lord I miss you  
I've been hanging on the phone  
I've been sleeping all alone  
I want to kiss you_

MEREDITH

Meredith swallowed as Dr. Simons clipped her X-ray to the light board, she knew what was coming and under her breath, she couldn't help cursing Carlos for the thorough job he had done.

"Right, well," stuttered the young man, he blushed a little as he caught sight of the chief and another man watching through one of the windows, "you have a com… comminuted extra-articular fracture." He was talking medical babble – how was any patient expected to know what he meant, blushing again, he rushed on, "your wrist is broken pretty badly, but luckily not in the joint so we should have a closed reduction."

No surgery, Meredith tried to smile encouragingly at this boy. He really was very sweet. He as he bandaged her arm and covered it with a plaster cast, she got him to tell her about his internship.

It turned out that he had had the bad luck to be stuck with an absolute nightmare of an attending as his supervisor, but luckily, she'd transferred to another hospital and tomorrow he would have a new boss.

There were two other interns in his batch: Jason Blake and Ally Patterson. Something in the reverent way he muttered Ally's name suggested to Meredith that he probably had a crush on her, but, with too many personal memories in that department, she decided not to probe any further and, assuring the doctor she could find her own way to the exit, thanked him for all his help.

_Well, I've been haunted in my sleep  
You've been starring in my dreams  
Lord I miss you  
I've been waiting in the hall  
Been waiting on your call  
When the phone rings  
It's just some friends of mine that say,  
Hey, what's the matter man?  
We're gonna come around at twelve  
With some puerto rican girls that are just dyin' to meet you.  
We're gonna bring a case of wine  
Hey, let's go mess and fool around  
You know, like we used to  
_

DEREK

Derek stared into the cubical where Simons was plastering a patient's arm. There was nothing remarkable about the intern; just a regular kid, a little nervous, but then again, weren't all interns a little nervous. An image of Meredith Grey performing complicated brain surgery filled his mind – perhaps not all interns, and then it happened.

The woman, whose arm Simon was gently holding turned her head slightly and a few strands of her long golden hair slipped back over her shoulder, revealing a limited profile of her face.

It couldn't be.

It just couldn't be. Suddenly Derek felt his heart beating at a million miles an hour and a thin sweat broke out at his temples. I just couldn't be Meredith Grey.

Of all the places in New York he would have expected her to be, this had to be number one on the list of highly improbable. Yet, as she continued her conversation with the young doctor on the other side of the window, her face broke into an unexpected smile and Derek sucked in a sharp gasp of air. He didn't know how long that smile had filled his dreams, but there was no mistaking it.

At that moment, the woman thanked Dr. Simons, stood, and walked out the door on the other side of the room, disappearing down the corridor.

Unable to contain himself further, Derek Shepherd threw aside professional dignity, bursting into the room he turned to the confused Simons,

"What was the name of that patient?" he waited breathlessly for the words that would confirm his fate.

Dr. Simons glanced up, even more confused, but seeing the chief standing behind this stranger, he smiled. It wasn't every day you got a beautiful, funny patient,

"She signed her forms Addison Shepherd," and both Simons and the Chief watched in consternation as Derek staggered onto a nearby bed.

_Oh everybody waits so long  
Oh baby why you wait so long  
Won't you come on! come on!_

HENRY

Perhaps he wasn't as smart as Blake, or as pretty and kind as Ally, but Henry Simons was a hard worker, and he had something going for him that neither of the others did – he was trustable. Of course, patients trusted Jason and Ally with their lives, but they trusted Henry with their secrets, and, in response, he had grown very good at reading people.

Addison Shepherd; she was an enigma and a half. In with a broken wrist in what sounded like the side affects of the perfect life, but jumpy as a teenager dating behind her parents' backs.

In his mind, he ran through the impressions he had formed of her in his mind. There was no deigning, that he liked her – maybe a little too much. She was totally out of his league and he swallowed the feelings down to the pit of his stomach, where they squirmed in anguished silence.

Addi said she'd fallen over at her daughter's roller-skating party: her 7th birthday. As he repeated the conversation in his mind, Henry just couldn't get it to fit, there was no way she was more than twenty-five, just a year or two older than him, but to have a seven-year-old daughter…

Well, it _could_ happen.

So she was a young mother. Henry cursed himself for being so judgemental, but then again, there were also the bruises. He hadn't said anything at the time, he was so used to patients telling him things that he rarely felt the need to pressure them, but he had seen the bruises.

At one point her top had slipped slightly, and through the open collar, he had glimpsed the purple stains that covered her chest, and when he dressed her wrist, there had been more on her arm. Black swellings that seemed to corrupt all that was so innocent about her.

Dam it! He was just obsessing over this woman, it was probably nothing.

"Then why was Dr. Shepherd so interested in her?" A voice at the back of his conscience piped up. Oh well, there was nothing he could do now, he'd probably never see her again, so the sensible thing to do would be just to forget about her.

He turned around to see Ally coming towards him down the corridor, stumbling over a gurney, he tried to regain composure as she stormed up.

"Have you seen the new attending. He is _so_ hot!" And at those words, something inside him gave a little groan.

_I've been walking in central park  
Singing after dark  
People think I'm crazy  
I've been stumbling on my feet  
Shuffling through the street  
Asking people, what's the matter with you boy? _

Sometimes I want to say to myself  
Sometimes I say  
I won't miss you child

MEREDITH

Meredith closed the apartment door quietly behind her. From the entrance to the apartment, she could hear Carlos reading Ella a bed time story, and, not wanting to interrupt, she made her way as softly as she could to her daughter's room.

The door was slightly ajar, and Meredith slipped in, to see Ella curled up in her Daddy's lap, her face alight with oblivious attention to the tale in hand. It was Spot the Dog, and Meredith gently lay across the toddler's bed so that she too could listen.

Carlos' voice was calm and even, changing with each character, filled with love and devotion. At last, the story ended and he closed the book, then turning around gave a start at the sight of Meredith.

"Mummy!" Ella yelled, far too excited to be easily coaxed into bed. "Guess what, Daddy just read me a story and at preschool today Alex Theodopolis ate some of the blue play dough and then he threw up and his throw up was all blue, and Susan said she had to take him to the doctor and then Mattie stole my spade in the sand pit…" Her little voice rambled on and Meredith caught Carlos staring down at her arm, his eyes full of tears.

"Mummy! Mummy!" the impatient voice seemed to pierce through Meredith's wonderings, "Mummy, did you hurt your arm?"

"Just a little bit baby," Meredith smiled and kissed her daughter on the forehead, all the while conscious of Carlos' cautious gaze, "it's a comminuted extra-articular fracture." And she laughed as the little girl parroted her words.

Later that night, Meredith was sprawled across the couch when she heard Carlos behind her.

"Merry, I did that didn't I?" His voice was so full of pain and regret that Meredith almost shook her head, but she was tired of telling lies.

"Yes Carlos, you did,"

"Oh God," When she turned, she saw there were tears streaming down his beautiful brown cheeks, "Oh God Merry, I am so incredibly sorry. It's just, it's so hard. She's so beautiful and I love her so much, and she should be ours."

For a moment Meredith didn't understand who he was talking about, but then she remembered the way he had held Ella in his arms. She felt so sorry for him. Maybe it was true, maybe none of this would be how it was, if Ella could only have been his daughter, but she wasn't.

"Well," she let a smile creep into her voice, "I might have some news that will cheer you up," and she leant across and whispered into his ear. She watched as the misery on his face transformed into unobtainable joy.

"Really?" He whispered the word, like a sacred rite and she couldn't help loving the childish eagerness that had filled him.

"Really," She kissed him on the tip of the nose. For a moment, he held her face in his hands, and then kissed her passionately on the mouth, letting his tongue wander into her lips, her teeth, caressing her own tongue until she felt they were the only two people in the world.

"I promise," I whispered as he released her, "I promise I will never hurt you again."

Meredith closed her eyes to remember the happiness of that moment and make it last forever.

He kept his promise for a whole fortnight.

_  
I guess I'm lying to myself  
It's just you and no one else  
Lord I won't miss you child  
You've been blotting out my mind  
Fooling on my time  
No, I won't miss you, baby, yeah _

Lord, I miss you child  
Lord, I miss you child  
Lord, I miss you child


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey, I know this is only a very short chapter, but everyone was asking for an update, so I thought I'd give you a little bit, although I know it doesn't answer most of the questions people keep asking (like why did Meredith sign herself AS and what did she whisper to Carlos?) I promise I'll answer those soon... until then I'll just tell you that some people have worked out some of the answers - and sorry jess... you're prediction wasn't quite what I had planned. I hope you like this just as much.**

* * *

Hurt:

_I hurt myself today  
to see if I still feel  
I focus on the pain  
the only thing that's real  
the needle tears a hole  
the old familiar sting  
try to kill it all away  
but I remember everything  
what have I become?  
my sweetest friend  
everyone I know  
goes away in the end  
and you could have it all  
my empire of dirt _

MEREDITH

Meredith waited until she was all alone. Sometimes it felt like that moment would never come and each second of the day was a little step towards this one point, where she could be herself. Where she could let go.

She was so tired of pretending. Pretending that she was happy, pretending she was healthy, pretending that she was in love… In these moments of solitude, she would let it all overtake her and she would slide to the floor like a little Ella and cry like there was no tomorrow. Only there was a tomorrow, and Meredith would be there to meet it.

It wasn't the bruises. She could cope with the pain, she could even hide the ugly marks that so disfigured her skin, but this hatefulness which seemed to have grown up around her – she was slowly suffocating under her own life and there was no one to pull her up.

Most of the time, all those hours she spent with that smile fixed on her face until her muscles ached and screamed, she told herself it was ok. It didn't matter that Carlos lost control, because he loved her, and she loved him.

Just then, the shrill call of the phone pierced through her silence, cursing, she heaved herself to her feet and lifted it to her ear.

_I will let you down  
I will make you hurt _

_I wear this crown of thorns  
upon my liar's chair  
full of broken thoughts  
I cannot repair  
beneath the stains of time  
the feelings disappear  
you are someone else  
I am still right here_

ALLY PATTERSON

Ally Patterson was so tired she could no longer feel her feet. They seemed to move under her like an airport conveyor belt, carrying her through the never ending shift. A few hours ago, she would have gossiped with one of the nurses about Dr. Shepherd, the hot new attending, or joked around with Henry, but now it as taking all her consent ration just to keep the lids of her eyes from shutting down altogether.

She sighed, "What had ever possessed her to want to become a surgeon?" and despite the fatigue, a grin crept onto her face and the memory of a seven year-old girl telling her parents that she was going to be a doctor. Well, here she was, sixteen years later – being a doctor.

Ally looked up to find herself standing in front of a middle aged woman and a small girl. The little girl had tear streaks down her cheeks and mud splashed over her denim shorts, but when she smiled, her face lit up with the enthusiasm of youth, her dark ringlets, bobbing along with her excitement.

"Hello, my name is Dr. Patterson. You can call me Ally," she added to the grinning toddler. "What have you been up to today?"

The woman pulled the girl onto her lap, "Oh, thankyou, I'm Elizabeth McKenzy, and this is Ella. We've been to the park, but Ella fell off the slippery dip. I'm not actually a relative, just a neighbour, I really should call her mother but I know she'll worry, so I just brought her to the nearest hospital."

"I'm sure it will be fine," she turned to Ella, "can you tell me where it hurts?"

Ella dramatically extended her whole right arm, bottom lip quivering in sympathy. "How about we take you off for an x-ray?" she turned to Mrs. McKenzy, "You can call the mother now if you like; it'll probably take a while."

With that, Ally and Ella walked off the X-ray lab hand in hand.

_what have I become?  
my sweetest friend  
everyone I know  
goes away in the end  
and you could have it all  
my empire of dirt _

_I will let you down  
I will make you hurt_

"So," Ally told the three year old, gravely handing her a lolly pop, Ella reached out a mud splattered hand for the prize, "it looks like you have a sore arm."

"A comminuted extra-articular fracture," said Ella intoned, snatching the sweet.

Ally burst into an amused giggle, "where on earth did you learn that?"

"Mummy's got one," the little girl said the words like they were the most obvious thing in the world, and really, Ally should have realized that for herself.

"Did your mummy fall of a slippery dip too?" What a little entertainer this one was. Preconscious, but incredibly sweet.

"No," Ella suddenly shifted, and her big grey eyes seemed to fill up her entire face, "Daddy hit her and she fell over."

The laughter died on Ally's lips.

_if I could start again  
a million miles away  
I would keep myself  
I would find a way_


	5. Chapter 5

**Well, the moment so many of you have been waiting for is finally here - Derek and Meredith meet! I have to admit, it's taken a while (something like over 5 000 words) but I think it's been worth it. Not all the mysterious references have been explained yet, but if you've made it this far, you'll have started to reallise, that's rather my style. Still, I hope you enjoy...**

* * *

You Are My Sunshine

_The other night dear, as I lay sleeping,  
I dreamed I held you in my arms,  
but when I woke dear, I was mistaken,  
and I hung my head and cried.  
_

**HENRY**

Henry walked through the door, just in time to catch the shock as it hit Ally's face. Like a slap, her cheeks paled and she stared at the child in front of her. Awkwardly, Henry cleared his throat,

"Ally? Dr. Patterson!" She started around to face him, but it was as though she was looking beyond him to something more important.

"Henry, could you look after Ella for a moment, I just really need to…" Her voice trailed off as she tried to describe the secret the little girl had just given her, "really need to find Dr. Shepherd," and before Henry could utter a word in protest, or explain that he was on rounds, she rushed out of the room.

Henry turned to look at the small patient she had left in her wake. She was just under three feet tall will dark ringlets framing a chubby little face and great grey eyes that stared up at him as if to ask where Ally had disappeared to and who was he that he thought he could take her place.

"I wish she'd stayed too buddy," He was obviously in for a wait, so he sat down on the bed next to Ella.

Not entirely sure why her words had caused such a commotion, Ella was suddenly wishing very much that her Mummy was there, and although she was trying to be brave, her arm hurt, and before long she felt tears trickling down her cheeks.

"Hey Ella, don't cry, it's alright." But once the tears had started, the fear and misery of it all seemed to overcome the little girl, and Henry found himself holding her on his lap and wildly waving pieces of medical equipment about in vain attempts at distraction, at last the onslaught subsided into snuffling sobs and by the time Dr. Shepherd entered with Ally in toe, he found himself crouched on the floor, Ella holding a stethoscope on his head.

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine  
you make me happy when skies are gray  
you'll never know dear, how much I love you,  
please don't take my sunshine away.  
_

**ALLY**

Ally couldn't believe it. Well of course she knew domestic violence existed, she had seen the advertisements on TV and read the statistics in the papers, when she'd had time to that was, but she'd always held this notion at the back of her mind, that it was something other people experienced.

When Ella had just mentioned it along with her other ramblings, as though it were the most ordinary thing in the world: "I went to preschool, Mummy made dinner, Daddy hit her…" Was she overreacting? After all, how many people would take the word of someone who'd barely mastered the art of speech? Still, it wasn't something she was willing to risk.

Full of indignant resolution, she marched purposefully towards the OR where Dr. Shepherd had just finished a surgery. Catching sight of him, she slowed her pace, of course, Dr. Shepherd was really ridiculously good looking, and he was much nicer than his predecessor, but he was still new and still her boss. Ally slowed her pace, trying to work out just how to put this.

"Dr. Shepherd, there's a patient I need to discuss with you," he glanced up at the intern, his hands still sweaty from the gloves he'd been wearing minutes before. "Well, actually, it's a little more complicated than that. A little girl came in with a broken arm and, well…" Ally ran through Ella's exact words in her head, "she's mentioned that her father abuses her mother."

There, it was out, but Dr. Shepherd's reaction was not quite what she'd been anticipating. Although his face was creased with regret, he didn't seemed to think she'd finished.

"That's it," She added lamely, "I don't know what to do, I mean, should I call the police?"

Derek gave her a penetrating glance before answering,

"No, it's very sad if it's true, and we can offer to help the woman, but we can't call the police, and if she doesn't want our help, we can't force her to accept."

"But…" Ally stuttered in horror at this news, "Can't you at least look at her when she comes to collect her daughter. What if he's hitting Ella as well?" For a moment Derek could swear he heard the same reproach Meredith's voice had sounded all those years ago. He sighed,

"Very well, you better lead the way."

_I'll always love you and make you happy  
if you will only say the same  
but if you leave me to love another  
you'll regret it all some day_

**MEREDITH**

Meredith hurried down the hospital corridor, close on the tale of her allocated nurse. Ever since Mrs. McKenzy's call, she had barely caught her breath. Ella was the most precious thing in her world: the only precious thing.

It was probably only a broken arm. As a doctor, she tried not to let the other possibilities enter her head, but she could hear her heart echoing in her ears. For a second she wondered if she had called Carlos, she honestly couldn't remember, but a moment later the thought was gone, replaced by her ever increasing panic.

Of all the hospitals in New York, Ella had to hurt herself closest to this one, Meredith just hoped she didn't run into that nice Dr. Simons. At last they came to a halt outside non-descript hospital door. It was like all the other doors in this wing of the hospital, and for that matter, not much different to all the other doors in all the other hospitals in America, but to Meredith, it was an overwhelming wave of relief.

In one swift movement she pushed it open and swept into the room beyond.

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine  
you make me happy, when skies are gray,  
you'll never know dear, how much I love you,  
please don't take my sunshine away._

**DEREK**

Derek grimaced, why did interns have to be so emotional? Was compassion something that wore off with age and practicality? Here was the girl, what was her name, Ally Patterson, asking him about some kid she'd brought in's mother.

It wasn't even as though the mother was a patient. Were they now responsible for the care of all the friends and family of anyone who happened to pass through their care. Still, she was young, and perhaps, she reminded him a little too much of the past. Whatever the reason, here he was, staring at a toddler playing doctors with one of the other interns! Was this hospital insane?

"Patterson, this child can't be more than four. You took the word of a four-year-old?"

"She's three and eight months actually," Simons piped up from his crouching position on the floor.

"I don't care how old she is, she's hardly a reliable informant." At that moment, the door swung open and a chorus of voices filled the air.

"Addison?"

"Meredith?"

"Mummy!" Ella jumped from the bed and ran into her mother's waiting arms.

_You told me once dear you really loved me  
that no one else could come between  
but now you've left me and love another  
you have shattered all my dreams._

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine  
you make me happy, when skies are gray,  
you'll never know dear, how much I love you,  
please don't take my sunshine away._


	6. Chapter 6

**OK, well, I was orriginally planning on making this chapter a little longer because there are a few things that still haven't happened, but everyone's asking for an update so I thought I'd post this now - and please don't ask for more straight away because I'm at school and welcome as the distraction of writing is... I don't think my teachers quite see it that way. Oh, and before I forget, thankyou for all the lovely reviews...**

* * *

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

_I walk a lonely road  
The only one that I have ever known  
Don't know where it goes  
But It's home to me and I walk alone _

I walk this empty street  
On the Boulevard of broken dreams  
Where the city sleeps  
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

**MEREDITH**

Meredith pulled her daughter into her arms and for one glorious moment, they were perfectly safe, the pair of them, wrapped up in the love of mother and child.

"Addison?" Dr. Simons was on his feet, hastily trying to regain his composure. However, his efforts were unrewarded, the woman in front of him didn't even respond. She had turned all her attention to the little girl, eyes closed in an ecstasy of relief.

"Meredith!" Dr. Shepherd repeated that name he hadn't let pass his lips for four years. The two interns were staring at their mentor in confusion, and, at last, she turned as well.

At that moment, Meredith wanted to melt into the floor and his arms at the same time. Torn between old love and new fear she swayed in the doorway, clutching onto the little girl in her arms.

Suddenly Derek turned to Ally and Henry, "I'll take care of this, don't worry Dr. Patterson, I'll bring up your concerns," and filled with curiosity at this bizarre scene unfolding before them, the pair regretfully left.

"Meredith?" He said it gently, but as he took a step towards her, she tensed, like a frightened animal, and still she hadn't said a word. She tried to force out the words. Even from here, his practiced eyes spotted the swellings on her collar bone and the bulge in her sleeve where it hid her cast.

He swallowed the bile that filled his throat at the thought – some other man with Meredith, kissing her, making love to her, hitting her. All these years, and he was too late. When the tears fell, they leaked from the corners of his eyes until his face was a mirror of the little girl's.

"Mer, why do you let him hit you?"

The words she had been practising for four years, all those months when she had felt so lost and betrayed. She tried to say that he had no right, no right to be part of their lives, but his question seemed to pull the floor from under her feet.

"Ella," She took the sticky little hand in hers, "Ella baby, it's time to go home, say goodbye to the doctor." Derek's face flinched in answer to her words, but she kept her eyes firmly fixed on the toddler at her feet.

Ella on the other hand, looked up at yet another strange adult and gravely held out her free hand, freshly covered in its plaster cast and suspended in a cotton sling. "Bye bye," her childish voice unmatched by those grey saucer eyes.

Meredith tugged slightly on her daughter's hand, eager to leave the past behind her; where it belonged.

Suddenly, a crazy thought hit Derek and he yelled,

"Three and eight months?" but he was too late, mother and daughter had already disappeared around the first corner.

_My shadow's the only one that walks beside me  
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating  
Sometimes I wish some one up there would find me  
Till then I walk alone_

**CARLOS**

By the time Meredith got home, Carlos had been waiting for three hours, bordering on hysterical; he let out a yell of relief as Ella ran through the door.

"Baby!" He kissed her forehead, swinging her up into his arms and narrowly avoiding a vase on the sideboard. He tried to let his panic subside as he babbled it out into words, "What happened to Daddy's little princess?" and as Ella launched into a detailed account of her day, starting with her trip to the park with Mrs. McKenzy and leading on to all the new friends she'd made at the hospital: Ally, and Henry, and the doctor and how she'd had an x-ray and how she'd got a plaster cast that you could draw on with textas, Carlos' eyes wandered over to where an exhausted Meredith leant against the wall, dazed eyes staring ahead.

Carefully, he put the child down and gently pulled the woman he loved into his arms. "God, I was so worried," and they held each other for a moment, just revelling in the calm that comes from being held in another person's arms. Softly, Meredith let her lips part as he kissed her, and she shuddered with the softness of his touch – surely she was doing the right thing.

Neither willing to admit the irony of Carlos' fear, neither ready to acknowledge there was poison in paradise.

That night, they put Ella to bed together, Meredith and Ella curled up on the bed while Carlos read, and when he finished, he planted a kiss on both their heads.

_I'm walking down the line  
That divides me somewhere in my mind  
On the border line of the edge  
And where I walk alone _

Read between the lines of what's  
Fucked up and everything's all right  
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive  
And I walk alone

**DEREK**

"Three and eight months," Derek repeated Simons words to himself like a mantra for the rest of the day. It was just possible, but why hadn't she told him, for that matter, why had she signed herself Addison, and why had she gone back to a man who hurt her.

I hurt her.

The words cut through him like nothing else, but he wasn't hypocrite enough to deny them. Once again, he cursed her stubbornness – if she wouldn't talk to him, he would just have to find her, and make her listen to him all over again.

Filled with a new determination, it was though a little of the life that had escaped him for so long, had crept back, burning his blood the urgency to overcome the impossible.

_I walk this empty street  
On the Boulevard of broken dreams  
Where the city sleeps  
And I'm the only one and I walk a... _

My shadows the only one that walks beside me  
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating  
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me  
Till then I walk alone


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey everyone, I thought I should just say, that yes, I am still writing this story and sorry it's been so long since I updated, but I've been pretty busy, so I finally had time to write this, I hope you enjoy... and please keep writing reviews because I love them, and their very useful!**

* * *

Abandon Love

_I can hear the turning of the key  
I've been deceived by the clown inside of me.  
I thought that he was righteous but he's vain  
Oh, something's a-telling me I wear the ball and chain. _

My patron saint is a-fighting with a ghost  
He's always off somewhere when I need him most.  
The Spanish moon is rising on the hill  
But my heart is a-tellin' me I love ya still.

**DEREK**

Derek Sheppard was not a timid man. He was the best, and he knew it, so strolling into Manhattan General should have been easy – after all, he was practically a celebrity here. Even so, he felt the stickiness of his palms and the adrenaline pumping through his veins made his fingers tremble. A brief word in reception had him on his way to the chief's office.

A twisted sense of de ja vous overwhelmed him as he lent back against the cool metallic wall of the lift – the last time he had been here, the last time he had lent against this wall, he had been with Addison, and here was again, chasing after a woman he loved.

Derek strolled down the surreally familiar corridors. He knocked on the chief's door and prepared himself for the hell that might break loose.

_I come back to the town from the flaming moon  
I see you in the streets, I begin to swoon.  
I love to see you dress before the mirror  
Won't you let me in your room one time 'fore I finally disappear?  
_

**MEREDITH**

Meredith's morning had been, what was increasingly becoming, an ordinary one. She had woken up, had a fight with her husband, stormed out, taken her preconscious little girl to day care, and then locked herself in her office to cry. The call from reception to say that a specialist surgeon was on their way up to see her was a welcome distraction, and she welcomed the warning, which gave her just enough time to rinse the mascara stains from under her eyes and reapply the makeup which hid her misery.

Feeling confident behind her newly applied mask, she wasn't prepared for the sight which greeted her as she opened the door. There, with all his old charm, and that heart breaking smile, was Derek.

"What was _he_ doing here?" All sense of control slipping out the window, Meredith let her jaw drop in consternation, somewhere between that old excitement and a crushing sense of reality.

"Derek?" She let the question creep into her voice, although there was no mistaking him, the same as ever, with those dark unruly curls falling just short of the beautiful grey eyes. The only change was perhaps a look of defeat, which she couldn't remember. She almost reached up a hand to brush it away, but he took a step into the office and she hurriedly regained her composure.

_Everybody's wearing a disguise  
To hide what they've got left behind their eyes.  
But me, I can't cover what I am  
Wherever the children go I'll follow them._**  
**

**DEREK**

I didn't realise how much I still loved her until she was standing there in front of me. For a moment, it was all I could do to remain on my feet, looking down into that face I had dreamed of for so many years and those lips I hadn't kissed since that night…. and in a moment all the memories of her seemed to fill my mind a once and none of them could compare with this woman.

Unconsciously, I took a step nearer, and it seemed to shake her out of memories, closing her up to me. I felt the sting of tears build behind my eyes and I scrunched my lids shut so they wouldn't fall.

"Meredith, we need to talk,"

"There's nothing left to say Derek, we left that behind us," Her voice was stilted, as though she too was holding back the urge to cry. "Seattle is in the past – I… we, can't go back," I couldn't tell if she was trying to convince me or herself, but she seemed to cling to resolve, like a rapidly fading shadow.

"Mer, your daughter is three and eight months, your husband beats you… and I haven't slept in four years."

_I march in the parade of liberty  
But as long as I love you I'm not free.  
How long must I suffer such abuse  
Won't you let me see you smile one time before I turn you loose?  
_

**CARLOS**

Carlos' day wasn't going well. On arriving at work, he'd been forced to take shit from two surgeons, not counting the most recent fight with Meredith. Why did she insist on being so difficult? Couldn't she see he loved her, that he just wanted the best for them? She was always insisted on being so independent. He wouldn't hurt her if she'd just be reasonably, hell, he didn't want her to get hurt, if she'd just _listen_ to him.

"Ravello!" Dr. Williamson charged down the corridor. "Have you got the patient in room 1342 ready yet?" Carlos cursed. He was sick of being ordered about by snotty young doctors who thought they were better than him. Managing to bite back the retort on the tip of his tongue he grabbed a chart and headed for the elevator, it was time to see his wife.

_I've given up the game, I've got to leave,  
The pot of gold is only make-believe.  
The treasure can't be found by men who search  
Whose gods are dead and whose queens are in the church._

**DEREK**

"Mer? Mer," Derek wrapped his arms around the woman in front of him, cursing his harsh words. Meredith had dissolved from the competent head of surgery to shaking wreck of a little girl, hands covering her eyes, as though, if she didn't have to look at it, the whole world might go away and leave her in peace.

As his arms pulled her tight against his chest, he felt her body convulse and stiffen, scared, and he let his fingers run against that soft blond hair, softly brushing the stray strands from her swollen eyes. He rubbed her lower back as he had done so many times in the past, and slowly, he lowered her lips to plant a kiss on her forehead.

He didn't realise there was anyone else in the room until he felt the angry fingers dig into his arm, wrenching them apart.

_We sat in an empty theater and we kissed,  
I asked ya please to cross me off-a your list.  
My head tells me it's time to make a change  
But my heart is telling me I love ya but you're strange. _

One more time at midnight, near the wall  
Take off your heavy make-up and your shawl.  
Won't you descend from the throne, from where you sit?  
Let me feel your love one more time before I abandon it.


	8. Chapter 8

**This isn't a very important chapter, it just helps give Meredith's perspective - trying to work out what the right decision for Ella and her might be (even if you all think it's obvious). Also, just a warning that there's a little bit of caurse language in this chapter. Thanks for all the reviews... don't stop writing!**

* * *

Emotionally Yours

_Come baby, find me, come baby, remind me of where I once begun.  
Come baby, show me, show me you know me, tell me you're the one.  
I could be learning, you could be yearning to see behind closed doors.  
But I will always be emotionally yours.  
_

**DEREK**

As though through a haze, Derek felt the other man's fist explode against his cheek bone, and through the throbbing that seemed to fill his head, he clung desperately to the woman in his arms. Whatever happened, she wouldn't be the one taking the punches this time.

Perhaps it was presumptive of him to think she needed help, but as the blows continued to rain down, she curled like a small child against his chest. Her mind seemed to have shut down in some sort of defensive reflex and only the trembling convulsions of her delicate frame let Derek know she was still conscious at all.

At last, Meredith let a small whimper escape, and it was this sound, utterly forlorn from this woman, that finally triggered Derek into action. Giving Meredith one last squeeze he turned on their assailant and planted a well-aimed punch on the side of Carlos' head. Surprised the other man stopped.

"What the _fuck_ do you think you're doing with my wife?" Carlos let all the anger he'd been building up all morning come spitting out in his words. Who was this man who thought he could hold his wife and what was Meredith thinking?

"What do _you_ think you're doing to her?" Derek demanded. Suddenly both men caught sight of Meredith, who, still in a world of her own, was gently rocking back and forth, hugging her knees to her chin.

Derek made a move to touch her again, but at the same moment, Carlos started forward.

"She's my wife," Carlos let the words slip past his lips at a whisper, torn between wonder and regret. "Believe it or not, I love her."

Derek stared at this man in consternation. Was it possible? Catching the gleam of sincerity in the man's face, he reasoned that it must be. "Then why do you hurt her?"

"She doesn't listen," Desperately, Carlos wanted this stranger to understand what he lived through, what his life was like. "She's always the best at everything, she's beautiful, she's head of surgery, every man she sees loves her…" He leant towards Derek, "She has a daughter."

_Come baby, rock me, come baby, lock me into the shadows of your heart.  
Come baby, teach me, come baby, reach me, let the music start.  
I could be dreaming but I keep believing you're the one I'm livin' for.  
And I will always be emotionally yours.  
_

**MEREDITH**

As the blows struck, Meredith lost all sense of reality, and retreating into the recesses of her mind, she tied to pretend that everything was all right. She felt for the darkness she had become so used to finding, that place where nothing mattered and she would concentrate on the important things. On Ella, and Carlos, and sometimes, when the pain seeped through, she'd reach back to memories of Seattle with George and Izzy and Christina, and Richard, and Burk… and Derek.

Somewhere above her, the pain had subsided, but safe in her memories, Meredith didn't break the rhythm of her rocking. She could hear them talking, she could hear them say her name, and all the time, she was sitting right in front of them. Slowly, fearfully, she came to a rest, and let the meaning of their conversation wash over her.

"She has a daughter." Carlos had said it. What he'd always hated, what he'd never been able to stomach, no matter how many times he reassured her that he could.

"Ella loves you," Her voice was husky from restrained pain, but her words were clear and both men understood what she was telling them.

_It's like my whole life never happened,  
When I see you, it's as if I never had a thought.  
I know this dream, it might be crazy,  
But it's the only one I've got.  
_

"Meredith?" Derek's voice was soft, he felt as though anything stronger than a whisper might blow her away altogether. "Meredith, Ella's my daughter isn't she?"

Slowly, Meredith turned those big grey eyes so they tilted up towards the two men who had made themselves the most important, painful pillars in her life. Her breath was heavy, and tears had gathered between her lashes.

"You left Derek. Carlos stayed." She didn't need to give the answer they were all too painfully aware of.

"But Meredith – I didn't know. You never told me. I would have been there." Derek let reproach creep in between his words. There was no way he would have abandoned any child.

"You don't understand do you? You never did Derek. I couldn't have you just love me for Ella's sake. I needed you to choose me because I was the woman you thought of first. Every time. The woman you wanted to wake up next to for the rest of your life. The woman, whose feet you'd massage when she was eight months pregnant. The woman you'd rush home to when she had a craving for chocolate ice cream when she already looked like a whale from carrying your child." Finally, the words seemed to run out, and, eyes darting between the stunned men she threw the last blow, "Carlos was there. He might hit me, but he'll always be there."

None of them were ready for Dr. Williamson to come bursting through the door. Stunned by the bizarre sight of three adults, seemingly normal, crying their eyes out, two of whom also bore the signs of a recent fight, he faltered. Then, not knowing what else to do, he turned to Meredith.

"Dr. Grey, your daughter's in reception, your neighbour brought her in."

Without another word, Meredith followed the young attending out of the room.

_Come baby, shake me, come baby, take me, I would be satisfied.  
Come baby, hold me, come baby, help me, my arms are open wide.  
I could be unraveling wherever I'm traveling, even to foreign shores.  
But I will always be emotionally yours._


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey everyone, thanks for the reviews. This chapter is a little bit of action - hope you enjoy...

* * *

**

Daddy's Little Girl

_A little girl a little small for her age  
a little slow for the field they raced  
mommas waiting at the finish line  
and wipes the tear drops from her eyes _

**MEREDITH**

Meredith entered the reception, flanked by a curious Derek and an anxious Carlos, there, patiently curled on the minty green of a plastic hospital chair, Ella waited. Seeing her mummy through the crowds of busy strangers, the little girl sprung from her uncomfortable perch, running into her mother's waiting arms.

"Mamma!" Her shrill voice floated over the general babble of the adults around her, and what seemed to becoming an increasingly familiar position, Ella found herself enveloped in her mother's embrace.

"Sweetie, what are you doing here?" Half hearing her daughter's long and very detailed explanation, Meredith suddenly became aware that they were not alone. Slowly she turned, Ella still held to her chest, and through the movement, the child caught sight of the men behind.

"Daddy!" With all the ignorance of innocence she leapt to reach for her ever loving father. She didn't see as all three adults around her winced with silent pain. Ever the patient parent, Carlos scooped the girl who called him Daddy into his arms, and as he felt that tiny precious body he realised that events were no longer in his control – he couldn't lose Ella. He just couldn't.

In one swift movement, he sprinted for the exit, toddler half slung over his shoulder, squealing with in the excitement of this new game.

_  
She says you did just fine honey that's ok  
sometimes life is just that way your gonna lose the race  
from time to time but your always gonna find you can't lose me  
bet your life I am here and I will always be just a wish away_

**DEREK**

It took Derek a minute to register what was happening. One moment, Ella had been leaping below him, her tiny chocolate ringlets bouncing round that little face like a lopsided halo, and the next, Carlos was half way through the car park with _his daughter_ still in his grasp.

He may never have raised a child. He was still trying to make himself believe he was really a father, but at that moment, a strange and unexpected fury filled him. Meredith was already running in front of him, the bruises she worked so hard to conceal on her lower arms becoming visible as clothes came askew in her haste.

Derek didn't want to believe this was really happening, but meters in front of him, Meredith suddenly let a strangled cry escape. Like the last cry of a strangled kitten the woman he loved was breaking before his eyes, and he saw Carlos had made it to the car. Engine on and Ella unfastened in the front passenger seat he was spreading towards the exit.

In a final desperate attempt to reach her baby Derek saw Meredith charge heedlessly towards the path of the vehicle. He leapt wildly forward, and at the last second, landed on top of her, sending the pair of them rolling across the tarmac and out from under the wheels of Carlos' SUV.

_Where ever you go no matter how far  
my love is where you are _

_you won't be lost if you believe you can't lose me  
_

**MEREDITH**

Meredith felt her breath coming in painful bursts. Her lungs burned and the roll across the gravel had hit every bruise on her battered body, but as she let herself become aware of these physical injuries, she understood at the back of her mind – _he_ had her baby.

She struggled to lift herself and found that Derek was still holding her quaking frame in his arms. He pulled her close, trying to calm the spasms that rippled through her, gently rocking back and forth in a helplessness so complete neither could do anything but hold onto that last little piece of reality.

Carefully, she felt him lift her, and feeling like a lost child in his arms, she let him carry her across the car park and in to her waiting colleagues. She heard Williamson suck in a sharp breath at the limited sight of her injuries. To tell the truth, most of them were old bruises, and even those that weren't didn't penetrate through the emptiness her head had become.

How did these things happen? With a listless sense of hopeless urgency she tried to tell her friends what had happened, but the words choked in her throat. Instead, she heard Derek's calm voice instructing the doctors around him, ordering that they take her inside and treat her for shock, telling them to ring the police.

"Sorry, who are you?" Ever impudent, Williamson was ready to protect his beloved chief. Meredith felt Derek's hand slip into hers.

"I'm Derek Shepherd, Ella's father."

_Momma used to say girl it won't be long  
when it is time to go out on your own  
chase your dreams find your place in life  
I know you'll do just fine _

_  
When that day finally came  
there were things she needed to but could not say  
so I whispered softy as I wiped the tears from mommas eyes  
you can't lose me _

_bet your life I am here _

_and I will always be  
just a wish away  
_


End file.
